A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, 'I've kidnapped you.'
She then wrote a note saying, 'I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.' The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, 'How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?'
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" (are you ready?)........ My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-aid?
A: They can't fit a quart of water in that little package.
Q: Why do blonds wash their hair in the sink?
A: That's where you wash vegetables.
Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem. "What's the matter?" he asks.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" he asks.
"It's of a big rooster," she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look." When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He looks at the jigsaw and says,
"For Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in the box!"
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And yes, she is a blonde!
Why did GOD give blondes one more brain cell than horses??? -So they wouldn't shit during the parades!!
Best Humor from the Net - The Blonde Pilot
A Judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked:
'What are the grounds for your divorce?' 'About four acres with a nice little home in the middle of the property with a little stream running by.'
'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case.' 'It is made of concrete, bricks and mortar,' she responded. 'I mean what are you relations like?'
She answered, 'Gee, they are fine, my Aunt and Uncle live here in town and so do my husband's parents!'
'No, No,' said the judge, 'Do you have a real grudge?' 'No,' she replied. 'We have a two car carport and have never really needed a garage.' 'Please,' he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage!' 'Yes, both my son and daughter have Hi-Fi- sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.' 'No-no...does your husband ever beat you up?' 'Yes,' she responded, about twice a week, he gets up earlier than I do.' Finally the Judge asks, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?' 'Oh,' she said, 'I don't want a divorce. I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. He says that he can't seem to communicate with me!!
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'.
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food.
Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping."
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive. "Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.
"Condom???", I asked.
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses." By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
Sick of Blond Jokes?
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blondejoke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
A blond Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his light on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded.
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man, Tonight I am the designated decoy!!!
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood... She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde replied, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and asked her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The husband answered, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?". The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
(Not so Dumb!!)
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen." The surprised salesman replies:
"But, madam, computers do not have curtains. And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!