The Portrait

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist.... ....."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. " "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.


Puter joke

One day, Ken complained to his friend, 'My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a Doctor.' His friend offered, 'Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.'

Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
 You have tennis elbow,
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
 Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!


Good Samaritan

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"


Veterinarian joke

A veterinarian surgeon had had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone." "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"It should," said the vet, "it stopped ME!"


A little Coca Cola?

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
  "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!


The Arab and the Genie

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
  He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is:
Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.


Coach

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favored to win the national competition easily.
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "how far down does the hair go?" She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the second thing I wanted to talk to you about."


Great Blonde joke

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS".


A Clever Young Soldier

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him and slapped me instead!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!


Jackass


Piano Man

A scroungy looking old guy, dressed like a bum, entered the bar and told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't too impressed with the looks, but figured, what the hell, and pointed the old guy to the piano in the corner.
The old man sat down and started to play the most beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever heard. All talk stopped during the song, and when he stopped, they all applauded. "Hey, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?" "I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long.'" "Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?" The man broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished, at which time they again gave him a thunderous round of applause. "You're really great! What do you call that one?" asked the bartender. "That's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.'" He then said, "If you'll excuse me, I'd like to use the restroom."
While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting immediately. He returned a moment or two later, and the bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours."
He looked down and noticed the man hadn't quite finished his trip to the restroom... "By the way," he asked him, "do you know your dick's hanging out for all the world to see?" "Know it? I WROTE IT!"


Honeymoon

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied,
"There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."


Confucious says


Redneck joke

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


Biology Lesson

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."   Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."
  With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
  "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."


Blonde and the Truck Driver

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.
  He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny. Watch this."
  He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.  Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
 "What's so damn funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
  She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"


Funny Signs


Could this be a blonde joke?

A guy took a girl out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!" "Because I want to stay up here with you..!!!


While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with an pickled onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems." "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. "Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn."
"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened. "It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand.... I get a hard-on!"


REDNECK LOGIC

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.
  "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. The professor answered " "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater"? "I sure do" answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good" the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!! "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
  The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
  "So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked. "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend.  "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"? "No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya"?


Serious golfing...

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole...


The Boat-Blonde joke

A True Story, if she had killed herself she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award (might be a problem in the gene pool).

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


Chocolate vs Sex


A Woman

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

  "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.   "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

  Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.   "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."