Remember A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that big blow job I promised you? Well Here it comes..."
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor.
Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said, "Now. . .you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease, worse case I've ever seen! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was. He replied, "Zachary Disease. . .that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"
The Smiths ...
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just
by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no
explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. "Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to
me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?...
Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. With both of them standing on the tower,the first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, the first guy drops again, bounces and comes >back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
Think about it!!
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at down they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out
to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time." Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home." "So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started!"
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant,'but I haven't got the energy'. 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'. The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Rules that guys wished girls knew...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, and your ex-boyfriend is an idiot too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Porn films do have a place in a relationship.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
A couple from Alabama (JOKE) After having their 11th child, a couple from Alabama named Rob and Sarah decided that was enough, (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, Rob went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Rob said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, Rob went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual." "Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips." "And that cures them?" asked the townsman. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
A POLICE REPORT A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up but no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
Fairy Godmother As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold. "And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels. "Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. = The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof." "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."
"I would like to marry a man.............."
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground."
That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister!"
A blonde had always wanted to go ice fishing and had read many books on the subject. Finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky - a voice boomed..... "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another circle. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut a circle. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO... THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER".........
By John Scalzi
Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her lifelong mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men-"Chocolate. Your thoughts?"-and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about tradeoffs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough.
A Nun A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's o.k., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
The pope The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering: "An 'R'! They left out the 'R!" God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' .. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
BLONDE GIRL'S BLONDE HUSBAND: A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on here?' he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly. They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. " Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe tree different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!" A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
"I'm From West Virginia"
A West Virginian's son comes home from his first day in the second grade, tears running down his cheek. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" His son says, "Well, Paw, today we had to count to a hundred, and I could only count to six," His father says, "That's OK, son, you're from West Virginia." The next day, the son comes home crying again and when his father asks what's wrong, the son says, "Well, Paw, today we had to recite the alphabet and I could only get to `F´." His father says, "That´s OK, son, you´re from West Virginia." On the third day, the son comes running home and he's very excited and happy. His father asked why he was so happy and the son says, "Today we had gym class, Paw, and when we all took showers after class, I looked around at the other boys and they all had such small pee-pees...mine is much bigger! Is that 'coz I'm from West Virginia, too?" His father says, "No, son, that's because your 27 years old."
Ladies Golfing ~ A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she said earnestly. "Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a minute," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel? He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
The Secretary ~ The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
This blonde gal gets married and has nine children. After the ninth child is born, her husband dies. So, after about a year, she remarries and they have eleven children. After the eleventh child, this husband also dies. Then, a few months later, the blonde dies of a heart attack. At her funeral the priest says, "Now they are finally together." One of the children stands up and says, "Who-my dad and my mom, or their dad and my mom?" The priest looks at the child and says "No, her legs."
How to shower like a man ~ How to Shower Like a Man -=- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no) Turn on the water. Check for pecs again. (no) Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one). Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Wash your penis and surrounding area. Wash your ass. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) Make a shampoo mohawk. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.