A bigshot-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor problem. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot. One morning a nurse's aide entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir." After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer. "Sorry, sir," said the aide, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the aide finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you." She left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back was to the door and for over an hour, he heard people wandering up and down the hall, sniggering and chortling, some belly-laughing out loud. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asked, "What's going on here?" The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Not with a petunia."
OK, I LIED!!!
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Peek - A - Boo
Careful what you name your pet...
When I went to city hall to renew my dog's license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old. He winked at me and said "You must have been quite a kid". When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said "You don't need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do". I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny I seem to have the same problem." Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you will clean up!" "But you don't understand," I said, "I want to have Sex on TV". He said, "They already have that on cable. t's no big deal anymore." Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me." He said, "Me, too." Well, last night Sex ran away again and I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4:00 a.m.? " I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that people of this country actually eat dogs." " Odd," her companion replies, " but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. " Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, " What part did you get?"
Know a little German?
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a costume party ?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago."
Lewinsky Brand Cigars
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a computer, and a wide-screen television set, and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
A guy came home about three sheets in the wind one night. I mean all three sheets were ripping bad, and Budweiser was sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. Well, he loop-legged it through the door and there stood his wife, furious, figuring he'd been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demanded. "At this fantastic new saloon," he said. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit!" said the wife. "There is no such place!" "Sure there is!" said the guy. "The joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" Well, the wife still didn't believe his story, so the next day she checked the phone book and, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon, she called up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked when the bartender answered the phone. "Yes it is," the bartender answered.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" she asked. "Sure do." said the bartender. "Do you have golden floors?" she inquired. "Most certainly do." said the bartender. "That's why we call it the Golden Saloon!" "What about golden urinals?" she asked somewhat guardedly. There was a long pause, then the woman heard the bartender yell, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone last night!"
You have been struck by lightning
A man was having pain in his penis. His doctor examined him and announced, "you clearly have Mongolian syphllis. We"ll have to amputate." The man was really upset and went to another doctor for a second opinion. This doctor, too, after examination said, "Yes, you have Mongolian Syphllis. We"ll have to amputate." The man decided he would go to a real expert, a Mongolian doctor. After examination, this doctor too announced, "You have Mongoloian Syphllis." The man said, "well, the American doctors said I would have to have it amputated." The Mongolian doctor replied, "Oh, American doctors! All they want to do is cut, cut, cut. Wait three weeks; it'll fall off by itself."
Men always want to be a womans first love - women like to be a mans last romance.
I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you. --Edward Albee
Don't die until you're dead.
How far you go in life depends on
your being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged,
sympathetic with the striving,
and tolerant of the weak and strong.
Because someday in your life
you will have been all of these.
--George Washington Carver
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain
"Need Heat or Effective Advertising"
There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date. Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!" The heat was on within hours!
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it right down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and says, "What man out there will buy a lady another drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
A third time, same invitation, same man pays for the drink for her, "Here bartender, give the Ballerina another drink on me!!!
After serving the lady her third drink, the bartender just could not contain his curiosity anymore... he returns to the other end of the bar and approaches the little drunk and leaning close to him, he asks...., "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sirrr, in mahhhh eiyes, eeny wumun who can lift her leg up THAT high..... has got to be a ballerina!"
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity;surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"
The Monkey Joke
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he eats that, too. The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposution, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?" God replied,"I didn't recognize you."
YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA, WHEN:
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bulletproof windows.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
Your mouse has only one ball.
If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.
Your family tree contains "significant others".
Your cat has its own psychiatrist.
You don't exterminate your roaches; you smoke them.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
More than clothes come out of the closets.
When "the Dead" are best live.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, 'we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3, and they began to screw.
After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!'
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one-day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. It had been hours since his last meal so he flew down and ate and ate and ate. When he decided that he had eaten enough, he tried to fly away. But he had eaten too much, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall of the barn. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong. The fly dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. You won't be surprised to learn that like any good fable this one has a moral. The moral of the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
Little Leroy and the Bike
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year so can I have a new bicycle? Leroy Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting, He crumpled up the letter threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. Jesus I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again give me a bike! You know who.
The Trouble Tree
The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN ...
The day came when the Lord called Forrest Gump home to be with Him. When he got to the pearly gates St. Peter was waiting there for him. St. Peter said to Forrest, " Well Forrest, things are getting a bit crowded here, so we've started giving entrance test. You will have to answer 3 questions to get into Heaven."
Forrest looked a bit worried, scatted his head and thought for a minute, then replied, " well, sir, Ah hope it ain't too harda test cuz life's been a lil' rough own me ahready."
St. Peter answered Forrest saying, " I know Forrest and that's why I'm not going to make you answer them right away. I am going to give you 3 days to think about them and then you come back and give me your answers. Here are the 3 questions: #1- What days of the week start with the letter "T" ? #2 - How many seconds are in 1 year ? And last, # 3 - What is God's first name ?" Forrest went away to think and in 3 days he returned to see St. Peter. St. Peter asked him, " Well, Forrest ? Are you ready to answer the questions ?" Forrest answered, " Ayep."
St. Peter said, " Okay, Forrest, what days of the week start with the letter "T" ?" Forrest smiled and said, That one were easy! Why, taday and tamarra !" St. Peter was a little surprised and said, "Forrest, that wasn't really the answer that I was looking for but, I'll give you credit for that one." " Okay, question two," St. Peter started, "how many seconds in 1 year?" Forrest paused then answered, "That one was a bit harder but ah knowed that one too after I thunk 'bout it. Thars 12!" Shocked, St. Peter blurts, "12!? Forrest ! How in the world did you come up with only 12 seconds in an entire year !?" Forrest replied, " Well, sir, there be January 2nd, Feburary 2nd, March 2nd........." St. Peter interrupted" Okay, okay! I see where you're going with this! I'll give you credit for that one too! But you will have to get the third question right!"
St. Peter asked Forrest, "What is God's first name ?" Forrest grinned and said, "That were the easist of 'em all! His first name is Howard!"
St. Peter was agast! "Howard !?!?, he cried, "why do you think that God's first name is HOWARD !!??!" Forrest looked very seriously at St. Peter and said, "Everyone knows that God's first name is Howard. It's in the prayer." "What prayer ?" , asked St. Peter. Forrest started to pray, " Our Father that art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.........."
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