Homer died a few days ago and went to meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter welcomed him and began taking him on the "Grand Tour." They visited the golf course, saw the homes available, the City, and then came to the last building on the list.
Upon entering, Homer was amazed to see clocks everywhere. "What are these for?", he ask. "Oh! Everyone has a clock and when it stops, that is the time they appear at the Main Gate.", replied St. Peter.
Homer noticed that some clocks were running faster than othes. "Why are these particular clocks running faster than these others?" "Well," St. Peter answered,"When anyone tells a lie, the clock is speeded up a minute." Homer found that quite interesting. Just as they were about to go through the door, Homer noticed a clock on the ceiling with hands just whipping about quite fast.
"What is this clock doing?", he ask. "Well, Homer, that is Bill Gate's clock and we decided to use it for a ceiling fan."

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
 The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.  The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
 "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Two women were sitting at the kitchen table on Friday afternoon. One woman looked out the window and saw her husband coming up the walk carrying a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh, damn," she moaned, "here comes Arthur, home from work early with two dozen red roses and baby's breath and a huge bow. This means I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"
"Why," asked her friend, "don't you have a vase?"

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "shoot his guts out."
The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me, and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of good Lord and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

"Whew, that's one terrific spread"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast"
"It's Cool Whip time"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
  "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
  "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest." "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where they believe it's okay to have more than one wife."
               That's true," he replied, "I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."
"How disgusting," she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself. Such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung."
              "I am lady," he said, "I am."

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.   Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.
Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. She said: "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa said "Hell no, it done ate a hole in your drawers!"

May you always have an angel by your side. Watching out for you in all the things you do. Reminding you to keep believing in brighter days. Finding ways for your wishes and dreams to take you to beautiful places Giving you hope that is as certain as the sun Giving you the strength of serenity as your guide May you always have love and comfort and courage And may you always have an angel by your side May you always have an angel by your side Someone there to catch you if you fall Encouraging your dreams Inspiring your happiness Holding your hand and helping you through it all In all of our days, our lives are always changing Tears come along as well as smiles Along the roads you travel, may the miles be a thousand times more lovely than lonely         May they give you the kind of Christmas gifts that never, ever end:         someone wonderful to love and a dear friend in whom you can confide May you have rainbows after every storm May you have hopes to keep you warm And may you always have an angel by your side!!

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A bus stops and two obviously Italian-type men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi!or>

This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. But he was an okay guy and a little shy, so he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began. Everything was great for about 4 months. Then one day the guy goes to Cindy and says, "Look, I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor".Cindy replied "Okay", and he says, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Cindy looks at him with surprise, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil. "The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay." And so the guy draws a mustache on her. Then the guy says, "Could you put on some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man."Cindy is really starting to worry at this point and feels a little hurt, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his clothes. Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?" Cindy who is now feeling totally dejected and can't believe she was actually intimate with this guy says "Yeah, I guess you can call me Fred. "So then the guy reaches out, grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts "Fred, You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4 months!

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.  "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
 "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.  "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
 "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"  "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69." "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
 Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it.The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!
 "What was that for???" he asks.  "Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose!  The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Where are you going??" she asks.
 The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said,"I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes" motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." "Yes." "And during all of this, what were you doing"?..... Driving," motioned the monkey.   (yikes) ;=)

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child'scheek.
"Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, Wrinkles."