A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: "So whadda ya got in the bag?"
The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a gorgeous piece by Mozart. Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man:
"Where the hell'd ya get that?" The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish," she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says:
"I want a million bucks." So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says: "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS." To this the man responded:
"No shit! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. 'Does your wife ever do it doggie style?' asked the one. 'Well, not exactly.' his friend replied, 'She's more into the trick dog aspect of it.'
'Oh, I see, kinky, huh?'
'Well... not exactly....'
'I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.'
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
"She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'What the heck, I really want a drink. When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?' The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.
Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because they really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes 'a lickin' and keeps on tickin'! A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. 'So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?'
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is Secret'. Now give me my beer.'
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look and asks, 'Why secret?' The customer says 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard." "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar completely drunk. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender kindly tells the guy he can't give him a drink because he is already drunk. Angry the guy stumbles back out the front door. About five minuters later the guy stumbles through the side door of the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink and once again the bartender tells the guy no because he is already drunk. The guy stumbles back through the side door. A few minutes later the guy stumbles through the bars back door. The guy walks up to the bar, looks at the bartender for a moment then says "Damn man how many bars do you work at?"