A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he's been putting off for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window,  "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered,  "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say.  In fact, it's 25 inches long.  Can't get any women to have sex with him.  No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.  "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would.  Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.  "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.  Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again.  "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches.  Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks.  Down another 5 would be perfect.  So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. NO. NO!"

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

A couple had been married 20 years, and every time the couple made love the husband insisted on shutting the lights off.  Well after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.  She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.  So one night while they were in the middle of making love, she turned the lights on.  She looked down and saw her husband holding a cucumber.

"You impotent bastard!!" she yelled"  How could you have lied to me all these years?  You had better explain yourself!!"

The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I'll explain the cucumber if you explain the three kids."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" "I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to blow him. "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.
She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.

To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits.
"But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

IDIOTS AT WORK #1

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman  asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"

I replied that I didn't see  how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail.
  (Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?)

IDIOTS AT WORK#2:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.  The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

OTHER IDIOTS:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied,  "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.

We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked   at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?